When it’s fair, its free !!!

Before the writer in me dies a sad demise, let me give ‘writing’ another try. That would summarise the fact that I have not written anything since months. And how would I? After all, it was my emotion that was put into words. Now, the emotional self has met its end, the same way ‘the good boy’ in me has suffocated to an untimely death. That left the writer in me yearning for content. Words I had but I lacked the matter, something that was quite contrary in the past.
The dying writer mumbled, “doesn’t matter if there’s no content, write anything. Use the words, else they will leave you. Don’t let the only form of expression left with you leave you.” And here I am, trying to write rubbish.
Okay, let us talk about a deep-rooted social evil called ‘corruption’. It’s actually a moral evil which has become a social evil because of its wide and deep reach into the society. While politicians are corrupt to the core, the bureaucracy too is deeply laden with this shit. The corporate world which started off neatly, too couldn’t keep the face clean. Scams and scandals have become a daily news item.
Years back, when I was in school, I once had to write an essay on corruption. I very well remember how, sitting in the exam hall, I tried to recollect the names of various scams I had heard about. And the best part of the day was the feeling at the end of the exam that my essay would help to attenuate the level of corruption. Sounds ridiculous today, doesn’t it? Since then, this has been a constant bugging news-piece. It’s as if I grew in a corrupt framework, conditioned by the society that permitted alarmingly high acceptance level. A mute spectator to the corrupt system, my questions always met the answer ‘aisa hi system hai, kya karoge’. At times before I went to sleep, I used to wonder ‘can’t we be ideal? Is honesty really utopian? Why can’t corruption be erased? and all the rubbish like shooting all the corrupt politicians after making them stand in a queue. These thoughts were followed by slumber which was again followed by the stories of corruption in the morning’s newspaper. And I guess most of the people of my generation have been nurtured by the same corrupt society in their formative years. No wonder more than half of the youth today very much resembles the character of Siddharth in the first half of the movie Rang De Basanti.
Today, I am a part of the same bureaucracy I myself blamed so furiously. And I have come to know that it’s really pretty difficult to weed out corruption from the system. Being an insider now, I can see the evil from real close quarters. And every day, some new façade of corruption comes before my eyes. Those who are really clean and honest, are painted black by the corrupt majority and dragged into the system forcibly. In such scenario, it really becomes difficult to stick to your honest stand. More than half of the accused booked under vigilance cases are really honest while the actual culprits bribe the anti-corruption squad and roam free, with a clean image. A staff of my concern had his name in headlines of the local news dailies as ‘corrupt official demanding bribe’ as the contractors and other people in the system had problems in their corrupt dealings because of his honesty. I overheard a guy who passed in a promotional exam, saying ‘when it’s fair, its free unlike last time when I failed as I paid only 10K against the standard of 20K’. The very next day I overheard another guy saying ‘the dealing clerk is taking money in the name of his officer’. You do good, and you will be painted bad while those who actually do bad hardly come to the fore. The most shocking part was coming across the ‘system of fixed cuts per chair’. I had heard of it since years but saw it today only when the offered cut pertained to the chair I hold. I came to know that people right from the clerks to the highest official have fixed percentages, the figure varying from 0.1 % to 4 %. Though I declined, I very well knew that this wouldn’t allow me to work on my own, as people above me were part of the shit too. And this is the reason why budding talents get absorbed into the dishonest sea and become a part of it. Not always is the titillation inviting, at times you are coerced into the sea too.
The other sectors too are not much different. Difference in the figures shown in the salary slip and the actual wage is pretty common. More than half of the tickets of movies are blacked. Instances are numerous. And counting them would only lead to a heightened frustration.
But it’s not that the problem doesn’t have a solution. The solution lies in our conscience. The conscience does warn the body before every ill-deed. It’s just that the greed overpowers the conscience for most of the people. Let us hear our conscience more often. Cleaning of the mud-laden system is feasible only when each of us remains honest to the core. And I believe it’s not impossible. We just need to rate moral gains higher than the mortal gains. Let us join hands for this cause. And remember, together we can.

Man and God

Once, Man went to God to ask for the Divine Bliss.

God smiled mischievously and tasting his shrewd lips, said," worship me and I will impart you the Divine Bliss".

Buoyed with utter delight, Man dedicated his mortal forehead in the feet of the God and kept worshiping faithfully for long. After it was long enough, he raised his head and looked at God with beseeching eyes.

God opened his lotus-eyes and with a smile weaved of the fabric of death, pointed towards the Man's forehead which bore the blot from God's toes. "See, your head has stain. You cannot be blessed. Worship more."

Man bowed again,his forehead touching the God's feet. The stigma on his forehead grew larger. Later, he raised his imploring eyes again.

God said," the stain has grown darker".

Man put his head in God's feet again.


Since then, the sequence of faithful adoration and darkening of the stain has continued endlessly.

Am still waiting.....

Its been almost 2 months now….. I have become a non-living body…. Hitherto, I hardly got to meet a dozen of my friends whenever I got the chance to stay at my home…. Ah…. Home sweet home…. Patratu. How I used to crave for it. How I loved staying for an hour extra while a whole group of enthused fitters n supervisors worked their minds n hands off to ensure that I complied with the forecasted time. The weary looks of disturbed AMEs touching me here and there titillated the mischievous self of mine. How happy I used to get at the sullen face of the Senior DME in the morning power meeting when he said… oh, 14167 won’t be going out today!!! These moments I used to spend at the home shed were really precious as my wheels got the time to sleep… a welcome respite.
But now, things have a changed. Each of my 99 friends have exchanged pleasantries with me more than twice. Its pinching me now. I really want to move on….. I used to define ‘locomotion’, a trait of living organisms…. And now, its like I am on a hospital bed for the last two months, dying a silent death. The treads of my wheels have got layers of rust … a shame for me. I have become a show-piece now….’ Here’s the WDM3B 14000 series loco…. It’s useless… waiting for a truck frame it lost in an accident’…. Its becoming hard to bear these harsh comments. I used to run 2873 up constantly on eighth notch for hundreds of kilometers, and now, even the dummy truck frame on which I was standing for so long has been taken away. I stand on one truck frame and two godforsaken whiting jacks. Cursed be fate.
It was that doomed day when I was hauling 2874 down back towards Hatia. I almost derailed but this info was never relayed. Don’t know what made the pilot do so. A day later, I reached Patratu shed where Toppo my friend came to me with troubled eyes. He knew at once that I was in pain. He called a sahib from the adjacent pit, a rather new one whom I had seen just once, to have a look at me. Soon, it was the talk of the day. One of my truck frame had been damaged beyond the repairing capabilities of the shed. Everyone seemed perturbed. I could sense somehow that this stint wasn’t going to be enjoyable. And it proved so. Its been two months now… n I don’t see myself running before another month.
The injured truck frame was booked to KGP w/shop, thanks to the efforts of the sahibs behind desks. But unfortunately, the cursed wagon got lost in the sea of wagons of SER. Even hundreds of phone calls could not trace my lost limb. After all these painful days, the idea of getting a new bogie flashed in someone’s brain. Teams were sent to DLW to ask for the same. The fact that I belong to the rare species of high load 3D locomotives with heavy motors and equalizer made the task more difficult for my AME sahib. Well, they have returned now and for the first time in the recent past could I see the brightness in the eyes of my admirers. They look confident of rolling me out and I am dying for that.
Blessed do I feel that despite all the misfortunes, I will soon be setting out on the rails again, carrying thousands of pairs of eyes… some sullen, some desperate, some full of hope, some carrying the only hope… but all waiting for the destination. I am also waiting…. waiting for the day I set out again. All I have for the moment is the hope that my caretakers might comprehend what an ailing heart of a ‘dead loco’ feels.

Introspection....

What is it that’s troubling me? I had set out on a spiritual expedition and all I had expected was amelioration. Didn’t I think I would go beyond all worldly revulsions? Didn’t I think I would attain eternal peace in the feet of that ever-serene Infinite? Then, why is it that I am fathoming deep in the troubled waters of pain and sorrow? What actually went wrong? There must be some folly at some point where I digressed from the desired path. Or is it that these dismays are the thorns of this great path, which are forced on the traveller. May be He wants all His pursuers to traverse through this tortuous terrain. Whatever be the truth, it’s very clear that this path is not a cake-walk. Seeking the truth requires the courage to seek it. It asks for the dedication, the willingness and the capability to take up the ordeal successfully.
I guess this dedication has dwindled down in me. I now feel less excited or shall I say less motivated to walk this path. What goes beyond my cognizance is the probable cause of this transformation. A couple of years back, this desire to attain peace was too much to handle. How very agile my mind was in its pursuit of eternal happiness. What is it that has changed now? Was it a hollow desire that has died down because I have been on this path and it’s the characteristics of this path that whosoever walks this way loses his desires? Or is it that I have been walking on some other path, in some other direction, constantly getting farther from my destination? It’s time now for a serious introspection. I must check my controls.
Looking back at the milestones I crossed could give me some hint, I guess. Before I started this sojourn, I was deeply laden with unwanted emotions that were suffocating me. I had run out of breath in that excruciating environment of expectations, grief, longings and pain. In the desperate attempt to inhale the freshness of eternal peace, I decided to take the path which the direction board showed as the ‘way to salvation’. I would better review that decision now. What was it that I actually wanted? Was it that I was unable to face life as it came to me? Was it that I was whisking off my responsibilities? Was it that I wanted an easy way out from the complexities that life came up with? I am still not sure that these were really false. Agreed that the desire came from within, but still, it was a desire. And desires lead to sorrow. Is that the reason why I am in this mess now? It is said one thinks of God only when one is in trouble or when one’s self enlightens and tries to reach to its destination. What was the truth in my case? It did look like the latter one, but was it truly the only cause? I fear it wasn’t. There was some bit of hesitation to take up the challenges of life too. I did feel that this way, I could stay happier as I would have fewer nuances to deal with. But does this path teach to run away from your responsibilities by calling them nuances? Not at all. This path teaches detachment from emotions, not from duties. This path never weakens you, it only strengthens you.
Then why is it that I am feeling weak now. It seems to me that I am not at all on the path to salvation. Rather, it’s a path which boasts of leading to salvation and takes you to the very world you ran away from. The reason obviously is the lack of conviction to shun the worldly bindings. On a positive note, I may be on the right path, travelling well and that has caused the desire that initiated me on this path to wither away. But this is not true and I don’t feel shy to accept that. This proves that I am not on the path I desired to traverse onto. That’s discouraging, but still that’s what it is. And I will have to accept that. Okay. Accepted. What next? I now need to know where exactly do I stand at the moment. I feel I have a fair introduction of that divine holiness. And I can at least recognise where I am. This in itself is a blessing from that Almighty. I know the differences between the worldly path to life and the path of renunciation to salvation. I have fewer desires now and I do know now that desires cannot take me to salvation. Save for some sporadic exceptions, my mind works as a part of my intellect. I do get SOS calls from my intellect in case my mind tries to run on its own. These are the traits of the path to salvation. This proves I had set out on the right path. Glad I am. So, where did I make the wrong move?

The worldly path to life and the renouncing path to salvation are essentially two extremes. I guess as I progressed on the latter path, it occurred to me that it would serve a higher purpose if I stay within the world, and attain salvation. It does sound truthful and I bet it is true. But the fact that the ratio of world and renunciation has to be intellectually monitored got lost midway. It’s like walking on the edge of a sharp razor, working out a fine balance between the world and the no-world. It’s like staying in the world physically with a constant awareness of the ephemeral existence of the same, realizing that the world is but a dream. The worldly component has to be limited to the body only, while the mind, the intellect and the conscience have to be devoted to the bigger cause, salvation. Renounce, not this body, not the world, but the thoughts, the mind. Work, not because it will yield you worldly gains, but because that’s your duty towards this world.
Expect not, refrain not. I guess that’s what I have been aiming. And, the digressions as they seemed, were just the check-points which He offered me to realign myself to the requisite path. Thus, all fears dispelled. I am doing it the right way, and I don’t care where all this would lead me to, as even that bit of expectation doesn’t remain. Happy, carefree, dutiful, unattached, I move on.

IT’S ALL HUMBUG

Digressed I was. Carrying on with the life. Had lost my aim long before. It was just an aimless ride, similar to the test drive of new cars. You keep driving on and on, riding the car onto whichever road that comes your way. Driven not by desire, not even by will.

I am still unaware of the force that kept driving me.

Anyways, then, I did not even think of pondering over the cause that led me astray, or shall i say, steered me to some latent goal that laid beyond the visible horizon, sheathed beneath the veneers of physical appearance. It was just that I kept moving wherever my legs thought of / led to. Footloose. Unabrest of the path, unaware of the reason, I kept lurching on.

People say, digressed are those who leave the path leading to their goal. And here I was, unconcerned of the goal. Did not know the goal itself; leave aside the path that would lead me there. That way, it would be wrong to say that I was digressed. I had no idea which way I was treading. I could have found my goal moving that way too. And then, people would have talked of my perseverance. Hah, isn’t it all a rubbish humbug. That, is realization. IT’S ALL HUMBUG.