What is it that’s troubling me? I had set out on a spiritual expedition and all I had expected was amelioration. Didn’t I think I would go beyond all worldly revulsions? Didn’t I think I would attain eternal peace in the feet of that ever-serene Infinite? Then, why is it that I am fathoming deep in the troubled waters of pain and sorrow? What actually went wrong? There must be some folly at some point where I digressed from the desired path. Or is it that these dismays are the thorns of this great path, which are forced on the traveller. May be He wants all His pursuers to traverse through this tortuous terrain. Whatever be the truth, it’s very clear that this path is not a cake-walk. Seeking the truth requires the courage to seek it. It asks for the dedication, the willingness and the capability to take up the ordeal successfully.
I guess this dedication has dwindled down in me. I now feel less excited or shall I say less motivated to walk this path. What goes beyond my cognizance is the probable cause of this transformation. A couple of years back, this desire to attain peace was too much to handle. How very agile my mind was in its pursuit of eternal happiness. What is it that has changed now? Was it a hollow desire that has died down because I have been on this path and it’s the characteristics of this path that whosoever walks this way loses his desires? Or is it that I have been walking on some other path, in some other direction, constantly getting farther from my destination? It’s time now for a serious introspection. I must check my controls.
Looking back at the milestones I crossed could give me some hint, I guess. Before I started this sojourn, I was deeply laden with unwanted emotions that were suffocating me. I had run out of breath in that excruciating environment of expectations, grief, longings and pain. In the desperate attempt to inhale the freshness of eternal peace, I decided to take the path which the direction board showed as the ‘way to salvation’. I would better review that decision now. What was it that I actually wanted? Was it that I was unable to face life as it came to me? Was it that I was whisking off my responsibilities? Was it that I wanted an easy way out from the complexities that life came up with? I am still not sure that these were really false. Agreed that the desire came from within, but still, it was a desire. And desires lead to sorrow. Is that the reason why I am in this mess now? It is said one thinks of God only when one is in trouble or when one’s self enlightens and tries to reach to its destination. What was the truth in my case? It did look like the latter one, but was it truly the only cause? I fear it wasn’t. There was some bit of hesitation to take up the challenges of life too. I did feel that this way, I could stay happier as I would have fewer nuances to deal with. But does this path teach to run away from your responsibilities by calling them nuances? Not at all. This path teaches detachment from emotions, not from duties. This path never weakens you, it only strengthens you.
Then why is it that I am feeling weak now. It seems to me that I am not at all on the path to salvation. Rather, it’s a path which boasts of leading to salvation and takes you to the very world you ran away from. The reason obviously is the lack of conviction to shun the worldly bindings. On a positive note, I may be on the right path, travelling well and that has caused the desire that initiated me on this path to wither away. But this is not true and I don’t feel shy to accept that. This proves that I am not on the path I desired to traverse onto. That’s discouraging, but still that’s what it is. And I will have to accept that. Okay. Accepted. What next? I now need to know where exactly do I stand at the moment. I feel I have a fair introduction of that divine holiness. And I can at least recognise where I am. This in itself is a blessing from that Almighty. I know the differences between the worldly path to life and the path of renunciation to salvation. I have fewer desires now and I do know now that desires cannot take me to salvation. Save for some sporadic exceptions, my mind works as a part of my intellect. I do get SOS calls from my intellect in case my mind tries to run on its own. These are the traits of the path to salvation. This proves I had set out on the right path. Glad I am. So, where did I make the wrong move?
The worldly path to life and the renouncing path to salvation are essentially two extremes. I guess as I progressed on the latter path, it occurred to me that it would serve a higher purpose if I stay within the world, and attain salvation. It does sound truthful and I bet it is true. But the fact that the ratio of world and renunciation has to be intellectually monitored got lost midway. It’s like walking on the edge of a sharp razor, working out a fine balance between the world and the no-world. It’s like staying in the world physically with a constant awareness of the ephemeral existence of the same, realizing that the world is but a dream. The worldly component has to be limited to the body only, while the mind, the intellect and the conscience have to be devoted to the bigger cause, salvation. Renounce, not this body, not the world, but the thoughts, the mind. Work, not because it will yield you worldly gains, but because that’s your duty towards this world.
Expect not, refrain not. I guess that’s what I have been aiming. And, the digressions as they seemed, were just the check-points which He offered me to realign myself to the requisite path. Thus, all fears dispelled. I am doing it the right way, and I don’t care where all this would lead me to, as even that bit of expectation doesn’t remain. Happy, carefree, dutiful, unattached, I move on.
